I know that despite feeling like there has never been a time we weren't together, my husband and I are probably still considered "new" to this whole marriage thing. I have limited experience. We are looking at 4 years, 3 homes, 2 kids, and a dog. However, even if my experience and wisdom is limited, the answers to every stage of life are easily and freely accessible to all in His Word. The Bible says a lot about marriage. It is the second most important decision you will ever make. It affects everyone. The Bible speaks of the sanctity of marriage and how it must be guarded and protected. It speaks of its symbolism and how it represents Christ and His bride, the church. It is written of the model of marriage: one man and one woman for one lifetime. It explains the roles of marriage, and principles of leadership and submission, love and respect. But all these things and then some are typically covered in premarital counseling. I can't share any new revelation but my intention is to be very practical and share some things I have learned and been reminded of through my experience.
MAKE CHRIST THE CENTER It has been said that marriage reveals. All stages of life have a way of doing that. Impatience, selfishness, pride, immaturity, priorities will all be revealed by the mirror of marriage that unavoidably displays our character and flaws sooner or later. Your relationship with the Lord must be strong and of first priority. THEN your husband, the kids, work, and so on. Exodus 20.3, Thou shalt have no other gods before me. If you foundational relationship isn't strong or out of order, any relationship placed on top will be shaky at best. It's not going to stand long, or well. Your security, identity, and dependence must be on the Lord. These will naturally increase in a husband, but ultimately should be placed in the hands of God, not a man. It brings me back to one of the first nights in our new apartment in OKC. There were homeless people who would rattle the back door, other would try to peak in the windows, there would be gun shots periodically, the typical OKC neighborhood. But that night every noise had me on edge. Every thought of "what if" was flooding my brain. I had never thought of carbon monoxide poisoning in my life but then I lay wondering if we had an alarm somewhere. My sweet husband leaned over and patiently quieted my heart by directing me to the Lord. He said how I cannot depend on his protection (my husband), but on the Lord to protect us both (now all four). The best security system, carbon monoxide detector, or black-belted husband can't stand to the protection and peace the Lord can offer. My attachment or fear of loss would drive me to anxiety, but trust in the Lord is comforting. 1 John 4.7-18, "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God... if we love one another, God dweleth in us, and his love is perfected in us... God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him." True, genuine love can only be had when He is in the center of your life and relationship. Without the source of love, love cannot be prominent. One of my favorite quotes on marriage ends with this line, "When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."- C.S. Lewis If our relationship with Him isn't right, our relationship with our husband is not going to be right. BE A BUILDER, NOT A BULLDOZER Consider with me, a hammer. My husband hates the look of it as his least favorite activity is hanging pictures on the wall. But the hammer is a useful tool. Substitutions aren't really that great. I mean, you *could* hammer a nail in the wall with other things, but not as effectively. You can use a hammer to build furniture, hang shelves, or fix a chair leg. However the same tool that can be used to build and construct, can also destroy. Proverbs 14.1, Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 21.9, It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 27.15, A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Power, control, manipulation, nagging, complaining, silence... As a wife, you have the ability to tear your husband down like nothing/noone else. You know just what to say, just what to do, which buttons to push that would break his spirit. You can deeply injure his heart and your relationship in a moment's time. (Remember, you're his wife, not his mom. And, you didn't become his wife to change him.) Your response could build or break him. With this in mind, use your presence and words to encourage. Speak the truth in love. Prefer one another. Be selfless. Don't always have to be right. Respond with grace. Be on the same team. No one should be a bigger fan of your husband than you. Build him up (honestly) to him directly and in front of others. BE INTENTIONAL Be intentional with communication. Communicate expectations, disappointments, issues, and just life in general. Communicate in their love language, at the right time, with the right attitude. Be intentional with your time together. Protect date night. Be intentional and purposeful in having focused time together. Everyone should marry their best friend but friendships should continue to be cultivated. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Some coffee on the couch, baking cookies together, a round of Mario Kart, or some hotdogs and lemonade in the car in the driveway. What's important is that you continue to focus on your relationship and don't allow your best friend/husband to become just a roommate. Be intentional with learning each other. A major part of our relationship prior to marriage was asking each other random questions. Whether that was "what super power would you most like to have", "If you were a condiment, what would you be", or "Are chips, pretzels, or crackers superior and why". We had the silly questions, sure, but we also asked about favorites, we asked about doctrine, about standards. We wanted to know the other's heart and who they were prior to marriage. As much as I loved that we did that prior to marriage, it should not stop. People grow and change and their favorite things are different now than they used to be. Dreams and goals shift with time and circumstances. Often people learn one thing about someone and stop at that assuming they know exactly who that person is. But, then that 5 year old is now 35, and they still think it's the same kid. Don't stop building on friendship and learning about each other. Mark 10.7-9, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put assunder." You two are one. One of my favorite things people call us is "Jack and Lizzy." Not JACK and LIZZY but, JackandLizzy. It was one thought. If one was mentioned, the other was implied. One of our adopted sisters thought my husband's name was "Jack and Lizzy" and that my name was "Jack and Lizzy." There was no separation and I love it. If you are to be unified, that requires intentional communication, time, and friendship. A godly relationship and marriage doesn't happen by accident. Be intentional. Lastly, THROW AWAY PERFECT The perfect marriage, perfect relationship, perfect wife, perfect husband in your mind, it doesn't exist. Marriage is not a performance. As a newly married wife, I expected things from myself that neither my husband nor God expected from me. To be a good wife in my mind meant having a sparkling, spotless house constantly. But that meant when we were running from bus visitation to work to church and our home was less than perfect that I would feel as though I was a failure as a wife. The moment he would ask me to do something specific would crush m. He didn't mention how nice the bathroom looked after I cleaned it (despite it being nearly clean to begin with) and that would lead to disappointment because there was this view of perfection in my mind. Or, how much I love to cook and bake and all I wanted to do was impress him with dinner. But he is so easy to please and loves simplicity. If offered any flavor of pancakes, he would choose just plain pancakes. That frustrated me because I was unable to meet my own standards of perfection. "He wants who I am, not what I can do." - He wants me to simply BE his wife. That removes unnecessary pressure and frustration. No one else in the world can be his wife. No other woman can be to him who you are to be. So be his help meet. Stop comparing - learn from others, but don't set them as a standard. To sum up, Make Christ the center Be a builder, not a bulldozer Be intentional - with your time, communication, and friendship Throw away the world's influence of "perfect"
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Lizzy parkerMarriage.
Motherhood. Ministry. Missions. Archives
January 2023
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