I'm going to let you in on a secret of mine. There is a place that I go to a few times a week, I enjoy it, in fact, it is by far one of my favorite places on earth. However, lately, while I love it, and wouldn't trade any time there for the world, It hurts me to be there. I despise and hate this feeling. It's not that I don't enjoy being there, I love it, I anticipate it. But at the same time, my heart is continually beat down by things while I'm there. It's being smashed while simultaneously trying to be healed. The constant struggles I am faced with there. I mean, it's the big social event of the week. My lack of social skills, or extent of insecurities are overwhelming. This place? Church. It's so odd, the contrast of emotions. I feel comfortable, and very much at home there, while second-guessing everything I do. The fact that I admit all this in writing is slightly embarrassing, but the more people I meet, the more I realize how much alike we really are. Another confession? I am craving something. It doesn't control me, but at times, it lays heavy on my heart. I am craving someone, anyone. I'm wanting someone to hang out with, to talk to. I'm wanting someone my age. I'm wanting a friend. A good one. That's something I haven't really had. It's hard to sit there, often alone, and see my little siblings with their friends; even though I am glad they have someone - I'm sometimes jealous - even hurt. It's even harder to see little kids who are destroying the opportunity to have a relationship with someone their age. Okay, yes, I see I am focused on myself. Yes, I understand, I am being selfish. But is a friend too much to ask? Okay, Yes, He is the best friend we could ever have. Yes, I know, He should be my best friend. Yes, I am trying to do that. But that doesn't change the desire and longing in my heart. It doesn't lessen the pain. Or does it? "When God fills your life and heart, you stop wanting. That word want means to be lacking something. It doesn't mean you don't desire something; it means you life is not diminished for not having it! When you are content, you stop living you life from a position of desperation, and start living from a position of satisfaction - fullness." - Cary Schmidt I've read this. I've taken notes. It brought comfort, and challenged me. I've begged Him to do this in my life. And, I really do want HIM. Even more than that, I need Him. I’ve been begging God to help me create a closer relationship with him. He’s been silent for so long, I need that closeness and intimacy with Him. But, I’m lonely. Everyone seems to have someone. I can honestly say, and have written, "He has provided me with Himself. I want Him, because I know, He will always be there. No matter what happens, I will always have Him. That’s not to say I don’t desire someone else, but He is all I want right now. Everything I desire is His now, I can’t take it back; not again." I still believe that. That doesn't change the fact that being around my church family is some of the loneliest moments of my life. It doesn't change the fact that I'm jealous of those who do have someone. It's doesn't change the fact that I have no one, I don't like it, and it hurts! -------------------------------- Most of this was a post I started late one night. I pre-write my posts weeks, even months, in advance. I have four ready to be posted on my jump-drive now. Coming back to this, editing, and finishing it up, I almost started over. But I didn't. Why? Because this is raw emotion; it is very much the heart of a lot of us at some point. And I think it can be applied to any type of relationship - especially boyfriend/girlfriend. Over the past few months, my life has changed so much. It's at this point that I can start to put the pieces together. I'll start with these.... Psalms 107.9 "For he satisfieth the longing soul, And filleth the hungry soul with goodness." Psalms 103.5 "Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; So that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's." He, has our best interest at heart. He wants what's best for us. Maybe something is good, but not the best. As well as, a good thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. Trust. Timing. Patience. That's what He's teaching me. As well as, He's teaching me about Himself. He satisfieth the longing soul..... with Himself. That quote by Cary Schmidt, "When God fills your life and heart, you stop wanting. That word want means to lack something.It doesn't mean you don't desire something; it means your life is not diminished by not having it! When you are content, you stop living your life from a position of desperation,and start living from a position of satisfaction.", I get it. This time has been incredible. I believe this time is meant for me and Him. It's for our relationship. It's for our friendship. He's showing me He is all I need..... a lesson I continually need to learn. Instead of waiting for a future relationship, deepen the ones I have now. After all, in a human context, I fear close relationships. I know, it's weird, I am craving the very thing I fear, but it's true. Let's just say, I've been hurt in the past. All by the people I was closest to. I'm afraid of that. Throughout the years, I can sense these walls around my heart to keep the distance. Even those I have a love for now, if I sense them pulling away from me, my wall gets stronger....... that's yet another thing I have to work on. My friend now is indescribable! I can talk to Him,day or night, about anything. He is always there. If I'm scared, He is there. If I'm lonely, He is there. If I'm... whatever..... He is there. There is never a time I am not on His mind. He's interested in every detail of my life. He's always teaching me something new. He helps me through life. He helps me through all the confusion of decisions. He's awesome! My God is an awesome God! The more I learn about Him, the more I love Him. What can I say, He is the best friend - ever! Also, I have made a few friends. Camp friends. :) We're separated by 85 - 150 miles, but it doesn't always seem like it, and it doesn't matter. I've emailed one since camp, and it has been one of the best things I could have done! I never realized how much we had in common, and she has been such a blessing! She's one who's on the inside of my 'wall'. I'll understand someday, though I may not understand why now. But, it's in God's hands. He knows what's best. It may hurt now, but it will make sense later. If it was any different, I would miss out on something He has for me. There's something I must learn through this time, as do you... don't miss it.
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Lizzy parkerMarriage.
Motherhood. Ministry. Missions. Archives
January 2023
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