“Most of us expect to face illness in our lifetime, but too often it arrives when we are way too young for the pain and the places it takes us.” – Jasminne Mendez “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Proverbs 17.22 After being handed a stack of paperwork by the receptionist, I find a seat in the faded 60’s stripe chairs of beige, stale green, and yellow. Dusty silk flowers are placed on the table next to dated magazines in the Neurologist Office’s waiting room. The doctor I am about to see has his photo hanging on the wall. I study it trying to get a glimpse of who I am about to share my health history with and attempt to pronounce his name.
“Don’t touch anything”, I say to myself. I am a germ freak by nature, and with a low immune system, I have good reason to be. I begin to fill out the forms I held in my hand filled with questions that should only be answered by grandmothers (no offense to grandmothers everywhere). My people-watching skills also come by naturally. Among the busy waiting room, I easily get distracted staring and trying to read the other patients. As I look around, I am clearly the youngest person in the room. Those many, many years older than a teenage girl are filling out the same questions I just did (some must have assistance because along with age they have lost the ability to fill it out themselves). Older men are falling asleep in the chairs while reading the dated magazines. I am surrounded with people who are suffering with Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and symptoms that come with said diseases. Every patient that comes through the doors has difficulty walking, standing, sitting, even staying awake, and must have help. All the patients are all forty five, fifty years older than I am - at least. Their body, manerisms, even clothing choices give it away. Then there is me. I am young. I can walk, run even. And despite health struggles, I still feel like I can do a lot. Now, if only they knew how many meds it takes for me to feel this way. You see, truthfully, I am jealous of the long lives they have already lived. I am envious of the fact that it has taken them this long to get to the point I am already at. I know that whether or not this is their first visit or their 100th, society’s standards of what is “normal” is that I should not be here… for at least another 30 years. I do not belong here. I wonder what the other patients are thinking. What do they think I am here for? Waiting on an older relative? Selling medication? Did I get lost on the way to another department? Their opinions do not matter. This waiting room (and the many others I have visited), these looks, the pills, the pain, side effects, the endless doctor’s visits, blood work, strange testing, and cancer causing procedures . . . are my normal. I also know that even though by my standard, and even the standard of society, I should not be sitting here for another four decades, I am. My sitting here is not a choice, it is a necessity, and it is my normal. I tell you, I am old. I have a grandmother’s body. I am wrapped in a constant sense of pain that often keeps me awake through the night. I am followed by exhaustion all through my day. My skin is deformed and has an aged appearance. The emotional pain of scars and wounds cut deeper than physical ones. As soon as the weather turns frigid, my joints ache, and movement is difficult more often than not. My jaw and joints don't always work properly. I live through Stage 3 of a disorder that potentially raises a risk of cancer to 95%, along with numerous other side effects. I eat healthier than a rabbit because food makes me sick. I'm on over 20 prescribed medications but the searching for what is still making me sick continues. Thus, my visit today. Yet behind the looming “what if's,” “how come's,” and “why not's”, I chose to find laughter and joy. Maybe I am “too young” for this, but am I also too young to gain the wisdom that comes with such an experience? I have been blessed with the opportunity of gaining the joy, patience, and greater understanding of faith that is gained only by those older than four decades than I am. I am blessed with the fact that every failing portion of my health is not visible to the average person. Also that I am capable of accomplishing things as other students my age even if the tasks may take a little added effort or discomfort. Every day is a gift that I have been given to live; an experience that can better make me into who I am to be. “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou Sometimes God stirs us out of comfortable situations in order to stretch us and cause us to use our faith. We may not like it, and it may not always be comfortable, but God loves us too much to just leave us the way we are. The same boiling water that softens potatoes hardens eggs. It is all about what you are made of, not your circumstances. -2 Corinthians 12.9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.” – Captain Jack Sparrow. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed [on thee]: because he trusteth in thee." - Isaiah 26.3 Grace carried me here and by grace I’ll carry on. It is never about what I face, but with whom I face it. Matthew 28.20- “…I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.” I am never alone for my Father is with me. “God will not permit any troubles to come upon us unless He has a specific plan by which a great blessing can come out of the difficulty.”- Peter Marshall.
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January 2023
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