It’s Christmas eve. My husband silently asleep next to me. He’s literally the cutest thing! He’s so calm and peaceful when he sleeps… except when he’s falling asleep and randomly twitches out of nowhere. Doesn’t even snore – I was blessed. Just a dashingly handsome man. I can hear his slow breaths mixed with the hum of the fan that will forever run anytime I try to sleep. Penny rustles in the next room. She’d been so good all evening. She is learning to be quiet and sleep through the night. She will play quietly or walk around, but usually doesn’t make a sound until she knows it is the time we should be up. (Little did we know she would loudly proclaim her loneliness in a few hours for leaving her in our room alone that night.) Amidst the house-training, sleepless nights, nibbles, and shredding of the carpet, she is such a precious gift and has brought so much joy to our home. Our sweet little home. I have fallen in love with our tiny apartment. We are so blessed. The Lord has provided above and beyond our needs. We have our first real tree standing (or, strapped down) in the corner. There is already so many ornaments on that thing. I love it. I have collected ornaments for years, and coincidentally so did his mom. Year one, full tree. The Lord is so good. All the lights on the tree are lit, along with the ones hung around the living room. The flickering of the TV playing Polar Express adds to the brightness of the room. Pitch black is my lighting preference for sleeping, but this night is special so the lights remain. The blanket hanging above filters some of the light out. The one that is barely hanging over the couch cushions, dining room chairs, and the pole of a broken broom. (I knew I saved that for something… more like kept forgetting to take it to the dumpster). After a few failed attempts, there had been a successful blanket fort completion in the living room and this is where we are. Just a few more hours until Christmas. But something was wrong. We weren’t supposed to be there. We were supposed to be somewhere else; Kansas, in particular. Beautiful, brown dirt, buffalo-roaming, Kansas. The state that holds my nieces and nephews who I haven’t seen in a very long time, and everything that I am familiar with at Christmas time. The place that every Christmas of my life that I can recall has been spent in, and every tradition was created for me. That one. We were supposed to be there, but we weren’t. Don’t get me wrong, I adore Oklahoma! It has become more of a home than Kansas, and it is where MY new family is. But, for Christmas, I wanted Kansas. I wanted my little people. I wanted my family’s traditions and to experience our first Christmas with his family. I wanted Penny to meet our families. I wanted a short getaway. But we weren’t there. For selfish and unjust reasons, we were still in Oklahoma. Home of the red dirt and stickers. I think it was the idea that we were told we couldn’t go see our family for Christmas that irritated me even more than the fact that we weren’t going. The knowledge of everyone else that night would be spending time with their family, but I had only brought turmoil and pain to mine. As long as Jack is with me, Christmas would be great. But my life doesn’t just affect myself, and there were other people who would be having “the worst Christmas ever” on account of me. That’s not an easy weight to bear. Christmas is my second favorite holiday. #1, Fourth of July. I love fire and blowing things up! Growing up, Christmas was pretty close though. It was the one time of year that no matter what was going on around or between us, everyone would come together and for at least a little bit, would put things aside and act like loving people should. It is a season of love, joy, and peace.. and for even just part of a day, you would experience that. The suspense and hope of Christmas morning, with the joy in watching others open your gifts to them sealed its #2 spot of my favorite holidays. If we had a woodburning fireplace, it may work its way higher. Honestly, by this point of Christmas eve, I was doing pretty good. The Saturday before, not so much. I was so angry and hurt. I really tried not to be, but it was also difficult to make it through a day when all through your mind you’re thinking you shouldn’t have to be there. Saturday was not a good day. I continued praying for the Lord to change my heart but I was definitely struggling with submitting to the idea of being there. I thought I was struggling with the person who had taken away my plans and held us back, but sometimes the Lord just places a verse or song on your heart and things become a little more clear. Our verse since the beginning of our relationship has been Psalm 118.23, “This is the LORD’S doing; it is marvellous in our eyes.” That verse was pressed upon my heart as soon as I walked in the door that afternoon. “But this couldn’t be His doing”, I pondered. “He may have allowed it, but I don’t think He would have given us this with everything that has happened from it. This is the consequences of a human decision.” Which, there is folly in that thinking, but immediately Genesis 15.20, “But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good…” Honestly, I had a hard time accepting that, but I had 12 hours to ponder it, so it worked out. The Lord had reserved all the sweet young guests for that evening. 😉 Many small children out of nowhere excitably came up to me to display their new finds at the mall. Even made a sweet new ‘best friend’. By the time I finally went to sleep after 2 o’clock that morning – which had been the normal after extended hours, cleaning up, winding down, and getting Penny sufficient attention so she would sleep - the Lord had brought peace about the whole situation to my heart. Sure, this was an extremely unfair situation that brought a lot of hurt to a lot of people. BUT, God’s still in control, and even in those situations, He can cause good to come out of it. And, I believe He did. The next morning, Christmas eve eve, was probably the best Sunday we have had in a while. There was such a sweet spirit on the van that morning among the kids. Four kids Jack and I met for the first time the day before were excited and waiting at the street that morning. There was a great number between both the bus and van route, two little girls got saved (one was from our bus, and the other I was blessed with the opportunity to lead her to Christ), and encouraging services. We got extra time with our friends who have become family, and following the services we went on some adventurous lights tours and stuffed some stockings (*Read the bottom of this post to find out what we did this year!). So, a few hours before Christmas in a blanket fort… we got red dirt for Christmas. It wasn’t what we had asked for, but it was beautiful, and exactly what we wanted! It was stress-free, calm, relaxing, and just some precious, priceless time with my husband and our (mostly) sweet little puppy. I am so grateful for the time we were given, the special people here we got to spend it with, and the grace that surrounded us this year. My favorite gift was the red dirt.
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Lizzy parkerMarriage.
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January 2023
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