Two years of getting to be married to my best friend. I am convinced each year just gets better and sweeter. I am no marriage expert. I never will be. But if I could share some things I have picked up in the past year. Whether through experience or by observing others, here is what it would be. Be his biggest fan.
Be his support, his encourager, his best friend. You have the ability to tear your husband down like no one else. You are aware of what things that could discourage him instantly. You can break his spirit faster than anything… and you know it. You are his wife. You know what buttons to push and what things affect him. Wouldn’t you know the same about your best friend? Whether it is simply expressing displeasure, venting frustration, letting out anger over something entirely unrelated, manipulation, being passive aggressive, giving him the cold shoulder, or tossing out hurtful comments, you can deeply injure him and your relationship in a second’s time. Likewise, the opposite stands true. The same hands that can build up a house can tear it down. The tongue is small but powerful. My hasty response can build or break him, even subtlety. Use your presence to exhort and encourage; speak the truth in love; respond with grace. Be his biggest fan. No one should be a bigger fan of your husband that you. In doing so, that includes both your actions and words towards him directly and other people. Your interactions with others should never include venting about your husband or expressing your displeasure. Do not talk bad about him to other people. Nothing good can come from tearing someone down behind their back. If you have a disagreement or expectation, talk. to. him. I’ll come back to that in a bit. He needs you, not what you can do. You are his wife. No one else in the world can be that for him but you. He needs not what I may do, but who I am. It is not my job to impress him, but to simply be his. I am his wife, and no one else can be. I just need to be his wife. It is a pretty great position to have. He does not need me to be *fill in the blank* and have their organization skills, always have elaborate meals on the table, have a pristine house constantly…whatever the case may be. This is not to say, “be a slob, do not put forth effort into what you do”. No, but rather, do not make what you think “the perfect wife” is the standard. That goal will only breed frustration and disappointment. Really, my husband is a simple, easy to please man. He would always prefer burnt basic pancakes over any elaborate flavor I could come up with, and that is okay. He does not need something I can do, or June Cleaver, or whatever picture in my head I have of who the perfect wife is. He needs me. That removes so much unnecessary pressure. Marriage is not a place of performance. So, don’t sweat the small stuff. If the dishes do not get done before Pixar movie night, don’t prioritize them over him. If you are upset he doesn’t say something about XYZ, maybe you are making a bigger issue out of it than he is; prioritizing it higher than it needs to be. If the cabinets and doors are left open yet again, just shut them. It’s not a big deal. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Communication. Communication. Communication. I am convinced that this is one of the greatest problems with all relationships today. It does not matter if that is a husband-wife, parent-child, boss-employee, friend-friend, peer-peer, teammate-teammate… lack of communication will crumble any relationship. It literally drives me crazy when people do not know how to communicate. The most frustrating jobs, people, teams I have worked with, or experiences I have had – there has always been an issue with communication. Speaking of Pixar movies, we just watched The Incredibles. You know what Robert Parr had trouble with in his marriage? Communication. He shut down and did not talk to his wife about anything and instead snuck around doing super-hero work, lied to her on multiple occasions, did not express the conflict he was having which effected his marriage, didn’t tell her he lost his job and instead tried to cover it up. Consequently, Helen had her own communication struggles which led to assumptions, strained relationships, anger, lying to the kids and covering up what she was doing. Sure, it is a movie, but this is an example of what happens time and time in relationships where both parties are struggling with communication. So, talk! Make it a priority. Make time to talk. If it is uncomfortable, it is all the more important to talk through things. Don’t avoid it, communicate. Talk to him about issues, not other people. If you are frustrated with something that is going on, or not going on.. do not take that discontentment to a friend or a parent, take it to your husband. Go to him, talk through things, and resolve the issue. Communicate with him. Communicate expectations. Do not expect him to say/do/be something you have not even expressed. How is that even fair? Trust me, it is not. So, communicate. Communicate every-day things. If it involved him, do not let him find plans out by someone else randomly mentioning it when it was your responsibility to communicate with him. Keep him in the loop. Co-mmu-ni-cate. Just talk. Openly. Freely. Constantly. Best friends do that best. Date your mate. Make time for consistent, regular, creative, and spontaneous dates. This is important. For example, if you never spent time with your best friend, would you have a strong relationship? I love quality time with my husband, it is my favorite. Where was your first date? Our first ‘date’ was extra weird. Now, it was very sweet, but very awkward. He made the fanciest meal he has ever made in his life for me, and we ate at one of our friend’s house while they sat at a separate table in the living room – like 3 feet away. It did get better. We then watched a movie while we were there and went roller skating. That is more our speed. We have improved a bit since then, I think. We have been on so many random adventures together. We have tested out many coffee shops in search for the best London Fogs, been rock climbing and a few trampoline parks. Thrift store shopping and brunch is one of our favorites. We have made bread together blindfolded – that was an adventure. Whether it is playing a board game in bed, tossing popcorn at each other, dinner on the patio, a quick walk down to the mailbox together, a drive around the lake, going mini golfing, grocery shopping together, it is still special. One of my favorite Christmas traditions is our date stockings! Your dates can be expensive or cheap. You can go out or do something at home. Just make it purposeful and keep it fun. (Be sure to think about the other person’s likes and interests too!) Enjoy the small moments. The small things in life are the things you remember. Sure, your wedding day was beautiful, but have you ever just sat in the car eating hotdogs together? The morning after our wedding, we went to church and then went to lunch. I was still so sick – going on day three – but that “first date” together (no chaperone 😉 ) was in many ways even more precious than the day before. Car talks, I believe, were very important to our first year. When we were in OKC there were so many long commutes to work and church together, we did not realize how important those were until they were gone. When we moved, we no longer worked together, and the commute to church was the equivalent of walking across the parking lot (which was extremely convenient, actually). We had to be more proactive and purposeful to keep those moments. I remember one night we were both just hurting. So after church, he told me to get in the car, we drove to QT, got some drinks, chips, and a couple hot dogs, came back and parked in the driveway. Car dates are now a frequent one. Those moments are the most intimate, needed, and a sure sign you married your best friend. Enjoy what you do have, don’t be discontent with what you don’t. Comparison is the thief of joy. Instead of becoming frustrated you do not have more time together, be purposeful to make the most of the time you are given. During the Christmas season I do not see my husband a whole lot. He works extra hours, works 6 days a week, and that is on top of things he already does, and all the additional activities that are planned. Extended family get-togethers are typically delayed until after Christmas, and many activities are done either without him, or quite late at night where he is falling asleep looking at the Christmas lights. That month and a half is a prime time for my life to apply this principle. Instead of becoming discontent with the time that I could feel is being taken away, I can be very purposeful (and creative) in making sure that the time we do have is special. Do not compare your relationship with those around you, your friend’s social media feeds, or their budget to have more elaborate experiences. Again, just enjoy the small moments. Don’t stop learning about each other. I don’t know about y’all, but when we were dating, we asked a LOT of questions. Whether they were fun or serious, we wanted to know as much about each other. If someone asked you something about your best friend, you’d probably know the answer. Whether by spending time with them, or asking them questions, you just know them. Do you know what your husband likes? What are his interests? What makes him excited? What breaks his heart? What is his favorite food? Did you know those things change? People change. Like it cracks me up how some people who knew me or my husband when we were younger still relate certain things to us as if we are the same people we were when we were fifteen. Or, they find out one interest and stop there. As if that is top priority and nothing else could matter to us. Don’t do that with your husband. Just don’t. Don’t ever stop learning about each other. Ask questions. Ask about their day… like REALLY ask about their day. Also, side note: I read this quote and I love it so much that I can’t add anything to it…. “Don’t date someone who makes you feel like you have to hide your stuffed animals.” There are plenty of people out there who will tear you down every chance they get over something innocent you enjoy. Don’t ever be that person to your husband! Be on the same team. I have worked with groups, been in management, been a part of teams that are far from a “team”. In reality, the very thing pushing it apart were the members within it. You and your husband should be the best team there is. When the time comes and you are frustrated with _____and take it out on each other. Step back and remind yourself you are on the same team, so what is REALLY the issue here? Again, communication… friendship… you are working together. Have the same goals in mind, and be on the same team. Be his biggest fan. No one should be more supportive of your husband than YOU. Have each other’s backs. Support each other. Stand up for each other. Protect each other. Have mutual goals. My last year and a half of college through our first year married, we worked side-by-side in the secular field. Many people encourage couples not to do that because they will spend a lot of time together and it just does not work. But I loved it! You SHOULD be able to work together. Some people frustrate the fire out of me to work with. With all the belittling, backstabbing, lack of communication, micromanaging, pride… it is so frustrating. You cannot talk to these people. They become instantly defensive and only listen to respond. Nothing changes and you are obviously on a different team than they are. Such an atmosphere should never be able to describe your relationship with tour husband. Strive to A: have a relationship void of as much of those things as possible, and b: not be the one starting those things. You are on the same team. Things should always be “alright at home”. Home should always be safe and comforting. Whether it is ministry, the world, work, friendships, whatever is outside, no matter what happens outside, you should never come home and find it to be just as overwhelming or hurtful. The more things you have on your plate, the more important it is to have a solid, godly marriage. Many times I could have the worst day, but walk into the house and know that if everything is okay at home, everything will be okay. Some nights you may need to lay in bed and pour your hearts out to each other, cry, and be held. But the fact that you can do that, and you have a ‘safe-zone’, is exactly why you need to marry your best friend. The whole world can be against you, but the two of you are on the same team! You are one. A team’s identity is mutual. One player is not a Mustang, while another is a Wildcat, and yet another a Cowboy. No, they all share the same name. I love to hear two of our ‘nieces’ say our names. We are Jack and Lizzy. There is not one or the other, it is both. If they see one of us, “It’s Jack and Lizzy.” My name is “Jack and Lizzy”. Jack’s name is “Jack and Lizzy.” That is a precious thing to me. You’re on the same team. People should see that. And that is all I've got. But, I think its enough to get started.
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Lizzy parkerMarriage.
Motherhood. Ministry. Missions. Archives
January 2023
|